fathering daughters

She doesn't look at me the same anymore
Friends and classes projects and makeup
victorious against me strive against me
Surely I still have something to give?
I know I must allow this but it hurts deep
But deep also is this father's love

Traveling

In the next month I will be traveling to Pennsylvania, Maryland, Las Vegas Nevada, and S. Carolina. What a trip!

Normal

Wow, has it really been that long (how many times has one read that phrase in a blog!).

Life is such a fight sometimes. In the last few months, my wife has had viral meningitis, we refinanced our house, an old friend died of heroine overdose, there was Thanksgiving, Christmas and NewYears which were mostly great, my sister-in-law got engaged and is now expecting, I bailed my future brother-in-law out of jail (after getting engaged he decided to make things right and turn himself in for past warrants - he's really a good guy, has turned his life completely around the last year or so), and my grandmother just died last weekend. I go to services in southern Cal next week... No wonder I have been such a wreck... C'est la vie. And there's more but if I write about it I will be entering that "complaining" space that is just not good for the soul. The fact is, I am blessed. Despite all of this, I'm doing okay. I'm learning to stop trying for "normal". This is normal. When I was single and complaining of being alone I had all the time in the world to manage my life so that it was "normal". Now, I am not alone (a small army occupies my home), and my life doesn't look anything like what I thought normal life should be. It's wonderfully erratic, unpredictable, and sometimes I find myself staring hard at it so as not to forget it. When I'm lame I complain about it's idiosyncrasies, when I'm in my right mind I breathe deeply and enjoy it's scent. So there you go. That's what's up with me. Ciao.

I hate forgetting things

I don't know if anybody else experiences this, but I forget things. I forget a lot of things. Oftentimes I find myself looking intently into the eyes of my kids hoping to remember them as they are at this moment. They keep changing on me and it feels like everything around me is changing and I am not. I am a forward thinker, a visionary. I like this about myself except when it comes to recalling things from the past. they just drop out of site and I get caught constantly by those closest to me not remembering the most obvious of things. They gape. It sucks. I have tried to journal but it is difficult to keep up - just look at my blog :) My wife is good at taking pictures so I find myself looking through albums not just enjoying them but also intently studying them. I can see how folks lose their minds when they get older. It isn't that suddenly their synapses snapped and they can't connect the dots. It's that the gap between what they forget in the past gets smaller and smaller. Pretty soon they can't finish the thought they started moments ago because they've already forgotten the premise, the beginning. The cool thing about being a visionary, a creator, a dreamer, is that just thinking up ideas thrills you and creating something out of nothing consumes you. It's the Creator God in me. I can feel the sense of myself "hovering over the waters" and saying "it is good". Give me something to make. Give me something to do. Give me somebody who's hungry for change. I know there's a place in the world for me. i just wish I could remember more of where I've been so people don't write me off as scatterbrained...it isn't necessarily that I completely forget it. It just takes longer to recall. Longer than most people - that's evident. So be it. those are my thoughts at present.

the other

I can't stand mediocrity in myself. What is it in me that drives me to something beyond? something more? something other than this? I am a forward thinker - sometimes too much of one always thinking ahead and not paying enough attention to the present. Maybe it's the oldest child syndrome - the over achiever. Who knows. It's really frustrating when the present consumes my time such that i can't devote energy towards the future. Goals are 90% good to have. The other 10% of the time they are a reminder of what you can't ever seem to get to. I have to have a lot of patience to be me. Otherwise I am always frustrated. I am only really happy when I am working with 100% devotion time and energy towards one of my desired accomplishments...this can't be terribly healthy. Lord, help me to be content in the present paying attention to the now. Yeah, right now.

je suis tres fatigue

Ugh! I am tired this morning. Can't...get...going. Unable ...to ...move. Must keep ....head...upright.

San Fran

Well, work is sending me to Oakland, CA this weekend. They're sending me Friday to prep for a Monday meeting...which means I have all weekend to go across the bay and visit San Francisco - very cool. So cool in fact I'm bringing my wife, we've made arrangements to have the kids babysat, and we're going to enjoy a weekend get away most of the expenses paid by my employer. Nice. I think I was 10 or 11 last time I was in San Fran. i still remember the little trolley car I brought home that had a bell on it that rang...I wonder where that is. Probably long gone.

Rising_3

It still smelled like rain. The flowers in Mrs. Thelma's yard looked strong and were bursting with color. Even grouchy ol' Mr. Thatchet's lawn was super green. I rounded the corner just short of Ben's place and saw him leaving and going the other direction. "Ben!" He didn't hear me. I geared up on my board and sped towards him.
"Hey Ben. Wait up!"
"Aidan, what are you doing here?"
"Coming to see you, of course! The sun is shining and you know the guys have got to be heading towards the field by now. Where are you going?"
"Ah Aidan, I start working for Ms. Shelley today. You knew that."
"Ah, shoot. I forgot. I just saw the sun and was so excited..."
"Don't worry about it. I'm only working for 4 hours and I can catch up with you after that."
"Alright, you know where I'll be at"
"You know it!"
Ben took off towards Maverick's. Ms. Shelley was the owner of the place and it was pretty much the only ma and pop place left to eat in town. You could get a killer plate of french toast and they always had late night steak and eggs for next to nothing (a favorite with the local college kids). Ben had gone about finding himself a job because he knew he wasn't going to see any money from his parents. They weren't doing to hot. His Mom was in and out of rehab and his Dad was cool but he had a dead end job at the mine. I asked Ben what he was wanting to do with the money but it was always something different. When it came down to it, he was just trying not to end up like his parents. I felt for the guy. I was really blessed with a good family and the more I looked around the more I realized how rare it is to be in my situation. I don't know why God allowed for such things but I was thankful. It's a bummer when it takes seeing someone else in a worse situation to make you thankful...I hope I'm learning something here...Lost in my thoughts I found my way to The Spot. Sure enough, the gang was already at it. I went into the clubhouse and grabbed my glove and ran out to the field.
"Aidan! Want left-center?" Gavin shouted
I pounded my fist in my glove. "You know it!"
I ran out and found my position, crouched down with my toes dug into the grass. I found myself rocking back and forth with excitement. "Eh batter, eh batter!" we chanted.
Ah. Summer is here.    

over-editing

Every day I look at my short little attempts to write a story (my previous posts) and I edit them. It seems I just cant stop modifying and embellishing and....I think the more I edit the more I don't like it but every time I look at it I see something I want to change...Aghhh! I'm also noticing my tendency to write as if I'm speaking out loud. I find I narrate the story as I go. the problem with that is when I narrate I can put vocal emphasis on a word but not textualize it. In other words the reader may read the sentence entirely differently. Also, when I reread what I wrote on previous days it seems fast and choppy. I think by narrating it I'm screwing up my pace...not sure how to change this. Try to stop I guess. Well, I'm going to keep going and eventually my wife will get a chance to edit this story and she'll red mark it to death...which is great and what I want. Ciao!